I suddenly felt it in the most unexpected place. I was sitting in a room full of people at an auditorium. People had gathered here to attend an event. It was a mix of old and the young with the old outnumbering the young. I was tired with the circumstances of my life and I was not very happy with the way things were unfolding for me. I felt obligated to be present there that evening. With all this psychological burden I was quietly observing the people around me as there was time for the event to begin. I saw old people laughing and greeting each other in a way that made me wonder how at that age they are still interested in what life is offering them. My tired self could not believe that their interest was genuine. I started leaning towards judging it as a show. A performance to entertain and amuse themselves. A way to deal with profound loneliness. I continued to observe the details of their interaction with eachother. The way they greeted, the way they smiled, the way they spoke and dressed, all added up as bricks to the wall of judgement I had constructed. Somehow at that moment I just caught myself. I was already quite weighed down by the struggles of my personal life and I did not have the energy to keep this wall standing and it just crumbled down. All my judgments dissolved as I saw that the world around me was going on with its business and I was quietly adding to my suffering and frustration by indulging in this act of drawing conclusions. At that moment it felt like there was nothing good that could come out of this internal commentary. This was the moment of instant breakdown of a process that had quietly crept up on me over many years as a way of coping with life situations. A way of judjing the ‘F’ out of everything around you to feel a sense of relevance. I guess the desire to be relevant arises from our feeling of irrelevance and chances are that it pushes us deeper into the zone of irrelevance.  

This moment was followed by a great sense of peace and lightness. I could just observe things around me without evaluating them. The event had begun by now and I was sitting and absorbing everything that was happening around me without the interference of my analysis. Whenever I felt this urge to evaluate there was a voice within that said “this is not me”. The difference I felt during this was almost physical. Along with my mind, my body felt different too. There was a sense of wellbeing and positivity and it continued into the night. There was gratitude as I found myself in the bed. 

I feel there is a slight yet significant difference between measurement and Judgement. Measurement according to me is humble and it creates some space for some uncertainty to go along with it. Judgement is heavier and harder. It leaves no room for the unknown. 

Days have passed since this event and I still continue to say to myself “this is not me” whenever I catch myself in the act of judgement. While this does not feel as organic as that moment, I  try to remind myself to disassociate with the part of me that judges. Very often judgement still wins in my head and I still say to myself that “This is not me”. 

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