I am not in any way directly related to the film industry. I am not a student of a film school. I am not a theatre actor. I have a very crude understanding about the art and the craft of acting. A lot of the people I know and interact with are also very similar to me, barring a few exceptions. I am saying all this because two days back I found myself having a very strange feeling. The feeling of loss of something I don’t think I possessed. That’s the best I can do to describe this feeling. It is a feeling of losing something that you did not think you had in the first place yet accompanied with a peculiar sense of grief.

This feeling was in response to the news of the passing away of the actor Irrfan Khan. I have been trying to make sense of this response I see in myself and a lot of people I know and also on social media.

He was not a star that the country celebrated. I have never felt like having his poster on my wall or cupboard. He did not even have a strong exaggerated personality that usually goes with a lot of popular actors. They happen to do a lot more than just playing the character to capture our attentionIrrfan CFC 2

Irrfan was different. I had once seen him at the Delhi Airport. As I walked by him, I took a moment to recognise him and then as I paid attention to his demeanour, it didn’t even excite me much. It was like an acquaintance you see from a distance and are not willing to put energy to walk up to them and have an interaction, therefore I just carried on. I am trying to make sense of how the passing away of such a person can have such a peculiar effect ? I have seen the passing away of many big stars and I have felt a sense of loss. However I have hardly ever felt this way before. In comparison to this feeling the others seem a bit superficial. While this sounds cynical, I am not saying this in a negative way. It is just reflective of the kind of relationship that existed between them and us.

In the case of Irrfan I think it was after the news of his passing away did we realise the kind of relationship we had with this person. Until then we hadn’t even felt the need to acknowledge it. Because as a personality he never demanded his audience for a proof of their relationship. I only mostly remember talking about his work as an actor than him as a person or a personality with friends. I think he had mastered the art of standing out by blending in. He had slipped quietly into our hearts without us realising about it. I am not trying to critique the confident and the glamourous personalities we look up to. They certainly have their place in our lives. However I am experiencing something like this for the first time and I felt a need to share this. Irrfan’s passing away has shown me that it is possible for someone to be their genuine self, quietly in the pursuit of authenticity and excellence to have a deep impact on the people around them, both physically and virtually.

The kind of excellence that he seemed to be pursuing encompassed the whole of his life rather than just his craft. It is very well captured in the statement written by Robert M Pirsig in the novel Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance. I would like to conclude with that.

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