I feel it’s difficult to conclude because nothing has gotten over for me to be able to write about it. It’s going on, and it will forever I guess. It’s not like, there is this prescribed way and I’ve found it and so now I conclude saying what I’m doing. To be honest I don’t know. However, I can say that I am at one of my happiest phases. A couple of days back a friend messaged me asking, “Ayushi You’re Happy in life no?” He quickly added, “Like after doing so much You should be happy.” That got me thinking, and I responded, telling him that I am at my happiest phase.

These days, I don’t even have to wish for anything, if there’s something I want to do or something I’ve been thinking off, eventually it happens! Everything is just happening! It’s a flow, I’m in a flow!

It’s not like I’m always laughing and joyful sort of happy, but it’s just nice. Things are happening! Things are happening outside and within, with changes in me which are making me go out and do more things and find more opportunities and not fear!

At this point in my life, the one thing I can say is, just do it! I mean every single word of that. Do it! You know what that is. I think all of us do. There is something we want or have been wanting to do or something that we want to leave and not do at all. Go ahead, take that step, of course, it won’t be all comfortable because you don’t know where you’re going to land your next step into. And then you have your imaginary fears. Take that step, irrespective. A lot of times, the reality is far better than the fears in our head. And even if you do end up in muck, it’s okay. Take another step and continue walking, the muck will rub itself off on the road on its own. And even before you know it, if you still follow that feeling, you’ll probably be jumping at times and taking a few steps and dance along the way as well.

Take care of yourself – that’s THE MOST IMPORTANT THING. What else is going to be there, other than you for you? And no, I don’t mean take care of yourself after finishing your work, or pop a pill and continue with your day, because you have to be ‘productive’. It is strange how we drag on ourselves for work and feel guilty for resting when we are not okay. And by not okay, I don’t mean just being really sick. Take care of yourself physically, mentally, emotionally. Take time off and do what needs to be done. Provide yourself with good manure, be it in terms of food, people you’re around, activities you’re doing, etc. All thoughts and actions are to come from you, so keep the ground healthy for it to flower and bloom wild.

We as people are super quick to tag. Avoid tagging and also attaching yourself to these images. These images are built by society as a collective and are very narrow. Each person is different and goes through a million different permutation and combinations of life situations, yet are expected to wake up on Monday morning and be the exact same way. All the teachers are expected to behave a certain way, all workers are to be efficient to more or less the same capacity, every single day.

Also, identifying yourself with your profession. I have by now met a lot of people who themselves very clearly know they aren’t happy doing what they are, complain every Sunday night, dreading work on Monday and would give anything to quit. What do they do? Wake up and go to work. Is there anything holding them and not letting them quit? Most of the times it’s nothing but their own attachment to the image and the risk that ‘might’ come in later. “Itne saal isme daal diye hain, now it’s tough to quit. Chalega, used to it”. Last 15 years of work is a justification of doing the same sad work until life lets you. Also, if you have spent so many years there, isn’t it time for a change? For you to look at what is needed now, and do that.

Believe in yourself. You’re much more than the 9-6 job, much more than the degree. You can take care of yourself without them. Takes time, but build that sort of a belief and confidence because it is true.

Avoid quickly judging things as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. By doing so you eliminate half the possibilities. Be open, see, learn. Nothing is good or bad in itself.

As I say this, I also want to say that it is not like I AM LIKE THIS and I follow ALL OF THIS. This has just been a few things that I have learnt along the way that I feel has mattered or do matter the most right now for me. It’s a learning and a process that I have now become more aware of.

Life is not all flowery and full of conscious awareness all day. There are also days when I am super confused, nothing makes sense. There are times when I am questioned about what I am going to do. When I meet friends/acquaintances who go to college, they question me regarding what I will be doing in the next 5-10 years. Sometimes I don’t have an answer, sometimes I do. The answers I have are different from the priorities they keep, and it does shake me sometimes or I prefer not to talk about it because maybe I won’t be able to ‘prove myself’.

There have also been days when I have just been happy, super super happy, I don’t even know the reason. Nothing would’ve happened and yet I’d be laughing and jumping. But one thing I have learnt is that they go! The happy days they come and go, the sad ones come and go. They all go, creating space for the other.

We can’t control everything outside, but we sure can control things on the inside.

I didn’t start off with all the understanding and confidence I have now. It is something that’s come along the way. And I’ve come to feel that more than preparing outwardly with an intention to keep you happy, prepare yourself inwardly. Be open, be accepting, changes happening outside might not even bother you anymore. Because when you really see what is there and what is true, you will accept it. It is with our fixed ideas that we fail to accept what things are for, then we struggle in either bending it and twisting it to make it as it is in our head or remorse because we fail to create it. We fail to even see what is in front of us and the opportunities it carries, because our mind only sees the image we show it. And then our judgements of good and bad, that have so strongly been cemented in our minds, along with feelings like joy and guilt respectively. It’s tough but I guess somewhere really important to tear these judgements and see what is there actually. I’ve had a lot of judgements and fixed ‘no’s’ for things, without logic, because I was raised believing it was bad. Both are just equal possibilities, it is our mind that complicates it. So I have started to observe the judgements I carry. It’s always convenient to work with a fixed image than see the constantly changing reality. Therefore predictability is liked. However, I would fail to see the beautiful change and always be in a state of struggle to keep things fixed. Constantly forgetting that it’s only the flowing stream that is alive and rich with fishes and plants and bubbling with life, while the stagnant puddle decays.

I’ve realised this because a lot of my judgements were broken the hard way. It was when it started crumbling that I started looking at the other side. Now I consciously wish to break the wall, as and when I can, and the view on the other side is quite beautiful.

I want to say that it all doesn’t come at once. It takes time, so we need to stay patient. The good days come and go, so do the bad. I have never felt as open and joyful as I do experience sometimes. I have also never felt more lost and stuck and just a feeling of ‘bleh’ and stagnancy as I have during this time. I guess, the higher up you go, the lower down you do as well. But, it’s worth it. Every time I have come back up from my lows, it has been some different understanding altogether. It has either taught me something, changed my perspective or just given me an idea of how to deal with things. So yeah, be patient and don’t fear. The world is sometimes filled with scary things, but you don’t fear!

P.S. If it’s of any help, I have had far far happier days than the number of sad ones. Maybe that’s why I like it.

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