I had no understanding of the context in which it was spoken, but it just felt like a very accurate way of describing this world we currently inhabit. I tried to follow the conversation after that to see if I could catch the context, while also feeling excited to have stumbled upon a way of describing this world in a way that fit my worldview. Then I could not help but pause the audio to appreciate this stumbling into an articulation of an experience.

Something happens when wordless experiences get articulated. It happens when we listen to others speak, read, or sometimes when we are trying to describe our own feelings. The closest physical feeling to this is when we find a place to grip one of our limbs while climbing a steep rock or a tree. Every new hold is an articulation of the place we were in before this.
It is an acknowledgement of where we stand, and without an awareness of where we stand, we cannot fully understand if we are moving towards where we want to be.

“Barbaric heaven” is the way I would like to describe the world today. It can be looked at as a paradise that is exposed to episodes of great violence. It can also be seen as a wild, barbaric land that surprises us with acts of great kindness and generosity.

People hiding behind the ideology of religion to maintain a constant state of war for power. People standing up courageously to speak truth to power. Adults in powerful positions being corrupt and reckless. Youth coming together to demand accountability from them.

The world inside me is a barbaric heaven too. I am inflicting great violence on myself with all the self-doubt and a feeling of deep inadequacy. I listen to astrologers on my Instagram Reels who start by saying, “Do not scroll if you believe you will become a billionaire,” and then, a few seconds into it, I will feel so horrible about myself that I override my curiosity and move to the next reel, which offers to release my stress through a magic sound frequency.

Half an hour later, I am watching a reel with a video that claims to be living rent-free in some random user’s memory. Then suddenly, some alternate being within me finds the courage to interfere and, in one strike, ends the app, puts the phone away, and then looks out of the window.

The sky tells me to move, and I move.

I drink a glass of water and fold the washed clothes that lie on my bed. While folding the clothes, I make plans for cooking the meal for the day. I live in the present without a sense of shame.

This is how life unfolds inside this internal barbaric heaven.

I guess the barbarism inside can reduce to make way for more of the paradise to create a home. The most agency I have is over this violence. Maybe, as I do this, I will find ways of addressing the violence outside too.

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